Woman, yes you are the healer!

Women, yes you are the healer, oh! Women, my heart is in front, I must heal first, the alchemy happens in my chest, with my bare feet I kiss the earth walking gracefully with mindfulness in every footstep, through the soil of my feet, I feel the connection with our mother, grounding, stable, strong, like a tabletop mountain with falling waterfalls and exotic birds singing sweet songs a melody about an opportunity, to learn to love myself, an invitation to use self-love and healing relaxation, as a tool to cultivate, grow and tune into my personal inner positive frequency, of soft self love and coherent, understanding internal dialogs, getting closer, to my true nature, learning to vibrate from the heart, inside out, sending and receiving waves of peace and love, but it wasn’t always like this.

Only a few years back, I started living from the heart, making a transaction from mind to heart, was not a straight line from the crown center to the upper chest, it required training my emotional intelligence, it took me years, like a heart doctor, to analyze my emotional landscape, subtle realm of the heart, attending carefully and searching for my childhood wounds, my own short comings, my insecurities, overtime things came up, looking back I was only able to process what I could handle, right away I used the yoga tool box to heal myself, with humbleness, I looked at the parts that scared me, that deep sadness at the root of my heart, my feminine side, I felt pain in the left side of my body.

Discipline and love for my yoga practice, assisted me in finding and being aware of the source of the sadness; I was able to dig up quite some dirt in order to correct this perception, using forgiveness as an antidote. Forgiving me, for holding on to the pain for so long, forgiving me for playing small, forgiven anyone who hurt me in the past, I didn’t want to be the victim any more, I went a little further to protect my progress and forgave anyone who would hurt me in the future, that was my promise as part of the healing, I bowed to undo all my twisted karma, product of my ancient greed, hate, and delusion. I meditated on this and dedicated my practice to the benefit of all sentient beings, I forgave myself and spend hours doing forgiveness Kriya, fasting for three days and drinking only apple juice in one occasion, doing intense purifying of the mind and senses, sometimes alone, sometimes in groups. Forgiving was the sweet antidote.

My heart became a portal of light, like a fountain of joy in the garden of life. Things would happened that upset me, of course, and still to this day rejection, cruelty and injustice get’s me down, like a small cut in the emotional skin, that needs a band aid and a few days to heal, but is not three dreadful days, of not getting out of bed, self loathing, self-hate binge, it used to be.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a teenager and I’m recovering from years of abuse. While I was young I compensated by over eating, drinking and getting high. I remember being rejected for a part in a teen theatre play, my heart was broken, it took me weeks to recover, the painful thoughts of not being good enough, or the idea of being good for nothing, no talent, ugly, fat, kept knocking me down, with the tyrant whip lashing kind of self talk.

No support group, or over eaters anonymous, could help me as much as I could help myself, I wish I had realized that back then, that it was me, doing the bulling, to myself, I was angry, felt hard done by the world, my family, my school and later my work, this hurt came and the pain from setting the expectations too high, was like a raking ball tearing down the little self esteem I had, I was feeling disappointment, hated my life, hated my body, was so feed up with everything and if entertained my thoughts long enough they would turn into violent death wishes, and at its worst a fail suicide attempt.

Only if I had stopped the hate self talk! It took years of Sadhana, therapy, yoga; bhakti, a lot of Bhajans, talk with friends and family, writing, painting, chanting, crying, dancing, retreats and silence, for me to feel good about myself again, professional help combined with self discipline was the key for my recovery, to heal completely. I’m so glad I took the time to heal; I’m still working on my emotional landscape planting seeds of compassion for myself and others.

If you want to heal, the good news is that you can heal on your own; you have to pay attention to your internal dialogue. I ask myself often, what kind of things are you saying to yourself? If I’m being harsh to myself, how can I be nice to others? Now I use my emotions to take action, like a good wind on my sail, I get high on love and gratitude; I get high on the Joie de vivre, I love myself, so what? when in doubt, I tell myself ‘love yourself more’.

Have you ever heard of people that are addicted to their emotions? Imagine being addicted to the good kind of emotions, like self-love, gratitude, forgiveness, unconditional love. Using my hearts as a GPS and my emotions as clues to be interpreted and then collected as evidence to get to destination, even if challenges arise, I trust myself, I’m not stuck in my head, I am living from my heart, I am listening to the internal dialogue and I keep it clean, I am the child and the mother, the warrior and the healer, last week I realized that I cannot be the victim and the Queen and the same time. So from now on call me the Queen of Self-love, long ago this love was planted in my heart and went down my legs, via my feet, penetrating the earth, I’m starting to remember clearly how this love really feels, it feels like a celebration of the divine feminine.

I can flow effortlessly and let the flowers in the garden of my hearts blossom, while my feet are rooted, it feels good to be a live, to connect and make things better again, together, as we are all being asked to learn to take better care of ourselves, of each other, of Mother Earth and the cosmic fire that is inviting us to dance in the flames of transformation.

The healing is happening, all the time, every day, every second an opportunity for the miracle to happen, if only we are able to tap into this subtle flow, we dive deep in that ether, we are in spirit, quantum energy, we are cosmic fire.

Conscious or unconscious a transformation is taking place, to be able to shine uninterrupted, we have to work with the shadow, the darkness. I’m not afraid to dig deep, where I can find an old emotional wound to heal, I went to over eaters anonymous, to talk about my eating disorder when I was a teen. These dense emotions of self hate, shame, guilt, kept me stuck and resonating at a lower vibration. I have taken responsibility and the negative emotions are being purged, cleansed transmuted or deleted, ventilated, I feel light as I shed years of feeling stuck, incorporating a healthy diet, started eating very conscious and doing regular physical activity.

I’m strong and I feel great, a few weeks ago my aunt, who I hadn’t seen in over six or more years, told me I was fat, I realized that, she didn’t know how to talk loving to herself, how could she talk loving to me, I forgave her for her comment, I didn’t take it personal, because I know I am in the best shape I have ever been, beauty standards are overrated, I have a rule everybody is beautiful, I learned to define beauty in my own terms and not my waist line, I define beauty in the ability someone has to forgive self and others, self-love, to me, now! That’s beautiful, besides angels come in all sizes and shapes.

Healing my psyche seemed to be the noblest path, pain can be self inflicted, the pain, which is the cause of these wounds, or is it a result of the harsh three dimensions, I have been stuck in for way too long? I could start pointing fingers, putting the blame outside, but I took a different route, I looked inward.

I invite you to step in the self healing train, take a crush course into 4th and 5th! A one way ticket to the LOVE and BLISS dimensions; is here, right now and is available to all of us! and to you.

Our mother earth is giving birth to a new reality and old patters are being transformed in to new ways of harmonious existence, opening the way for benevolent currents of creativity to manifest on planet earth, it is so beautiful, to see so many people steeping into the light, shining bright, grounding this light and rooting it, into the fertile soil of their hearts, the more light you shine, the more light there is, also the more shadow, we are the shadow too, if we ignore the shadow grows, if we use it we evolve, we can tap into the darkness of it all, pitch black, elegant, like the night sky, the multi-verse, infinite possibilities, infinite space, no limitations. How much can you heal? Do you know?

Sometimes I walk with the broken, the depressed, I feel their pain, I’ve been there, I want to help alleviate the mental pain and suffering many of us go through from time to time. That is why I believe relaxation and meditation are a part of the healing process, the antidote is sitting in meditation, relaxation is an automatic response of the body, when we breathe fully, the body can naturally relax, deep breathing, observing the breath and letting the body heal by its self, with your loving attention, fully present, that is the healing power, aware of the power of your own mind, taking care of your sleep, doing some Yoga Nidra for the soul, getting enough rest and chilling to a state of calmness, absolute patience, a perfect virtue to develop.

Here is a short guided visualization/relaxation, I did during my forgiveness Kriya, you can do it too, helps you tap into your heart centre:

Mind can then focus on the heart, if you close your eyes, you are able to look inside, take a look at your heart, look at how is beating and perhaps you haven’t noticed yet! Take a few deep breaths and relax your shoulders, is all about letting go of the tension around your eyes, your jaw, your lips, notice your tongue, your neck, your upper chest, your belly button, your abdomen, your pelvic floor, your legs, both feet, your arms and your hands, sit for a moment to feel the power of your heart, bring your left hand to rest over your heart, take a moment to feel the whole body, feel the love you have for yourself, for others and for the planet, imagine a golden circle of love expanding from your heart outwardly, feel and visualize a gentle awareness, ever so soft, silver lining, warm mantle of love covering your whole body, slowly, happily you allow this feeling to grow and expand beyond the borders of your skin, take another deep breath and feel your lungs puffing up, exhale and relax, relax, relax, feel relaxation and pay attention to your heart and your breath, be silent, listen. With your whole body, deeply listening to the vibration you are creating, a powerful yet soft breeze of love, feel the flow washing you clean; visualize the streams of love like a white river of soft gentle light.

Say out loud or silent in your head, I forgive myself.

I did this everyday for a few months; I would set the timer for seven to ten minutes, and sat there in half lotus, forgiving myself for anything and everything, after a few days of practice it was easy to add more minutes to my forgiveness every day. This was fascinating, the entire time I was shedding bad juju, so many ugly things, I was holding inside, memories of rape, violence, abuse, visions of hate, revenge, of shame, emerged from the deep murky emotional waters, like a rotting garbage bag with a dead corpse inside, things came up from the past, it was awkward, hard, confronting, every time an opportunity to let go, to forgive and move on to the next thing. It was much needed laundry service to clean my subconscious mind and my emotional body from any old stain of abuse, rape, hurt and pain. I forgive you.

The unconscious is a dead fish in the flowing river of creativity. You can discover how mysterious you really are, in the mean time; train your psychic muscle, open your power gate, a gift that has been given to you and that only you can unfold.

I will be here present, grounded in my heart, feeling the aliveness of being, pure, as many of my cosmic friends, connected and resonating with our highest purpose and truth, which is love, this way I can give direction to my mind, plus give it new things to practice on a daily basis, such as forgiveness, self-love, kindness, happiness and joy. Life becomes a poem written by the cherry blossoms in spring. Patience and peace are always a choice, no matter what the circumstances, we can always rest in the arms of a calm heart, it is possible when we create the space and the time, it will reveal itself, as grace, you don’t have to search outside, for the source of healing, is already there, inside, it is our inner most, waiting to be discovered.

Healing ourselves is healing the world. To finish this article for Elephant journal, I’m going to quote the face book wall of a friend. `Forgiveness is a promise not a feeling. When you forgive other people, you are making a promise not to use their past sin against them`.

#healer #yoga #retreat #maastricht #weekened #brandweer